Monday, 19 July 2010

REVIEW: Twilight: Eclipse

Hey is that Oscar Nominee Anna Kendrick with two minutes of screen-time? It sure is.

This is my third Twilight review on this website, which means I have officially devoted more words and time to this particular franchise then any other. While I think on the ramifications of that for a while (clicks the safety off, and the time for purification is at hand) the rest of you can wisely deduce that the venom hasn't really been out for Eclipse the way it went out for New Moon. What's the point. Everything wrong with those two films is still wrong with this one, the critics have said their piece twice over and the numerous clinks of cash registers and the ever lightening hordes of tween purses have delivered their retort. Whatever bitches. So it gets to the point you don't even have any hate left to spew at this movie, much like the Harry Potter franchise, its become immune to all that.

I guess Eclipse is the best of the Twilight movies, in large part thanks to David Slade, the very promising director of Hard Candy and 30 Days Of Night, slumming it good here but brings some of his inherent darkness and love of violence with him. With him behind it its just kind of unassumingly functional rather then flat and dull like number one, and overcooked, overlong and embarrassing like New Moon. Still, it still has that unmistakable Twilightian gormlessness in that it fills its cast with vampires and werewolves and have them all talk about their sissy feelings for two and a half hours in the most simplistic terms possible.

I Love you.

No you don't.

Yes You do. And I'm going to prove it to you.

There's nothing to prove.

Yes there is.

No there isn't.

Why won't you let yourself love me?

Dude you are an abbed-out supernatural being who can turn into a wolf and pound the shit out of vampires, take your pick of every female on the planet and let the skinny bitch be. An elegant segway to the Bella Swan anomaly I feel. Yet again, one spends the whole movie wandering what two alpha-beings are doing fighting over Kristen Stewart, who is an actress I like but is so horribly miscast here, at odds with all the 2D soul-baring and empty sentiment. These two should clearly be doing a Scarlett Johansson each, and to have them frothing at the mouth for such a plank of a human being just diminishes their badassness. And so on and so forth. But that's a given when you buy the ticket I suppose.

On the plus side there's a bit more killing in it, it spends more time with the vampires and at least attempts to give some of those wallflower characters some shading. I liked the Jasper flashback the best, despite it being as badly written as the rest of the film, simply because it seemed I appreciated seeing a bad movie that looked more interesting then this, and there's a semblance off a plot line this time, despite new blood villain Riley just being basically sap for Victoria and going out like a COMPLETE bitch (erm, spoiler). From the trailer I thought we were actually have a badass vampire in the Twilight universe, but wouldn't that be ridiculous.

Let me submit this to you. Edward is over 100 years old, he's lived over a lifetime and must have seen more then anyone can imagine, yet I've spent three movies with this guy now and I know nothing about him apart from that he loves Bella and will do anything to protect her. The films kindly tell me this every ten minutes in case I forget. But who is he, how did he come to be here, why is he endlessly repeating high school like some kind of huge nerd. There are so many potentially interesting things about him that I don't even know where to begin, but he's there to be a lust object, a creature to be looked at and panted over. I give more of a shit about who he is then Stephanie Meyer does and I truly don't give a shit about Twilight. Therein lies you're problem, and tied with the fact that in order for romance to succeed on screen, it has to be more then just pretty to look at, it has to make love fascinating and engaging. Twilight's version of love is is as thin as the notion that these films can be anything more then slightly tamer vampire fetishism then True Blood.

Rating: 4/10

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