Beatniks (Nic Cage) Out To Make It Rich
OK we know what kind of Cage film this is. Its the kind that pays the rent on his three castles in Romania or whatever. Its the kind that makes bottom tens of the year lists and the kind that people bring up when they tell you how shit an actor Cage is. As a fan of the man's work, its the kind I have to nut up and charge on through, and the kind I have to give the haters their due for. The terrible writing, the awful supporting cast and suspicious looking CGI effects are all on the checklist, but oh well. The next Bad Lieutenant can't be too far round the corner right? Right? guys?
GUYS: Bangkok Dangerous sucked.
ME: So does your mum. The funny thing here is that I don't think Season Of The Witch is quite at the level of the worst Cage slumming. Dude's set himself such a low standard in recent years Season Of The Witch feels positively Shakespearean compared to The Wicker Man. Its still complete balls, but not quite the most balls a Cage film has ever been. Compliment much? Positives include a fairly cool opening Crusades montage, schlocky and amusing performances from Ron Perlman and Claire Foy as the titular witch. Foy in particular has a lot of fun in her paper thin EVIL role. Until of course the film turns her into a lame CGI monster. Shit I just spoiled Season Of The Witch. Like you'll see it anyway, fuckers. Foy wasn't mind-blowing or anything, but she was a fun, camp villainness, so why you've got to turn her into an I Am Legend monster with wings. Cage just looks bored and is here for dollar, and everyone else is pretty bland.
Oh except Stephen Graham of course. Who has an American accent. In 13th century, black death stricken europe. Despite Graham being English. And everyone else being english. And America not existing yet. WHAT THE FUCK. Somebody made this choice, because that cartoon Al Capone doesn't come out of Graham naturally. Somebody said, I think this 13th century peasant should be an American, but played by an English actor. If it was Graham, then somebody said yes to a moronic idea. Yes maybe his natural scouse would have been distracting, but do a generic english one. If you can't do that, well you can't do an American either so what's the FUCKING PROBLEM. All I can assume is that nobody gave a shit, including Graham. Surely the most ridiculous thing in cinema ever.
GUYS: Dude what the fuck you just talked ten lines about an accent. That's half the review. Show some critical integrity. Drive Angry is going to suck.
ME: The film is pretty much a generic road movie, in which cast members die in order of famousness, This portion of the film is just generic and bad, but Perlman and Foy provide moments of passable. Its in its final fifteen minutes that it turns into the comedy of awful you kind of dream it will be, from plague infected kung-fu monks to Foy turning into I Am Legend to the lamest showdown and laughable moment of phoned in Cage sincerity you ever did see. It canonballs into terrible, and there's not much left to say. Except maybe that Drive Angry is going to be awesome.