I can't wait until Amanda Seyfried is actually in a good movie. What a day that'll be.
5:55 PM: Maybe this was a bad idea. Deep in the throes of a none too small brain-fry caused by sitting in a dark room with strangers for six hours, my encore is nothing less then fucking Red Riding Hood. I don't want to be here man, I just wanted to go to the movies, I just liked films. That was all that constituted the game. But then it became a sickness, some fetishistic religion in which I subject myself to seeing every piece of crap just so I can say I did. So I can say, yes I did in fact see Red Riding Hood so I have no need to be happy. My life su...
5.58 PM: Some guy just came in wearing an askew woolen hat. Bell-end.
5.58 PM: ..cks
5:59 PM: I'm pretty sure my popcorn is sweet not salted. I paid 4.65 for this bullshit. This aggression will not stand, Shabina thou hast forsaken me.
6:00 PM: Your Highness sucked.
6.00 PM. Look I don't want to trash-talk Shabina the popcorn counter girl. Why would I? But this time the girl is failing big.
6:03 PM: Screen 9 is starting to fill, many teen girl Posse's. Some mums. Nobody with a penis.
6:05 PM: The most dejected boyfriend ever just walked into what I'm sure he believes to be his prison. His girlfriend is beaming
Whipped Boyfriend: I heard Sucker Punch was good....
Dominant Girlfriend: No that's perpetuates a negative representation of women as sex objects.
Whipped Boyfirend: But it has dragons...
Dominant Girlfriend: And a commendation of the male gaze paradigm.
Whipped Boyfriend: Robots?
Dominant girlfirend: Why are you still talking?
Whipped Boyfriend: Jon Hamm?
Dominant Girlfriend: Is he playing Don Draper?
Whipped Boyfriend: Why wou..
Dominant Girlfriend: Then no sale. I think we should see Red Riding Hood.
Whipped Boyfriend: But...
Dominant Girlfriend: It looks fun, and the boys look really fit.
Whipped Boyfriend: How is that any diff...
Dominant Girlfriend: Because it is, OK. Do you want to keep talking asshole, or do you want to queue for tickets and get me a Ben and Jerry's mint flavor.
6:11 PM: I am looking forward to seeing Amanda Seyfried though. Epic crush on her, for she makes finding Nemo eyes sexy.
6:13 PM: Two minutes motherfucker. That feeling you've got from your toenails to your fingertips is called DISINTERESTED APATHY.
6:14 PM: I sense the asshole factor is going to rise as the movie goes on. If one were to scale Cynicism, say from 1 to 20, I'd be at about a 7 now. If I don't hit the twenty by the end of the thing, I'll be surprised.
6:15 PM: Lights go down and for just the briefest of moments we can all pretend we're here to see something good.
6:16 PM: I'd like to clarify to the wonderful people at Warner Bros. That my mind is open to this being good, I would just bet the bank, the lives of family and the soul of my first born that it won't be.
6:18 PM: Pearl and Dean have gone Digital motherfucker, they can also walk on burning coals.
6:20 PM: Is it awesome or depressing that I know every one of these adverts by heart I've been to the cinema so many times. Probably depressing, but at least I can do something you can't do.
6:22 PM: Advertising for Scottish Tourism is flawed at a concept level. Why would people spend their hard earned money on going to Scotland. Why don't they just shoot themselves in the face?
Whipped Boyfriend: Can I go to the bathroom?
Dominant Girlfriend: No.
Whipped Boyfriend: Why not?
Dominant Girlfriend: Because what happens if I think of something hilarious to say about one of the trailers?
Whipped Boyfriend: You can tell it to that guy (Pointing at me.)
Dominant Girlfriend: He looks like a homeless person. Hold it.
Whipped Boyfriend: but..
Dominant Girlfriend: I said hold it. Man up and stop being a pussy.
6: 27 PM: Trailers yay. The girl with the dejected boyfriend looked at me weird.
6:28 PM: I'm sorry, but the Arthur trailer looks fucking abysmal.
6:29 PM: Yet everyone is fucking laughing.
6:29 PM: Cynicism scale: 8/20
6:31 PM: POTC 4. Yawn.
6:33 PM: Thor. AND YOU ARE AN OLD MAN AND A FOOL.
6:34 PM: Hopkins you just got served.
6:35 PM: And movie, so here we go, we've got some indie/goth guitar and some phat helicopter pan of some trees.
6:36 PM: Still on trees.
6:37 PM: Hey asshole mocking this for tree shots, its laying the lay of the land fool, showing the 17th century world from God's eye view. You see the prototype damn,the primitive village, this shit is capturing a place in time, art by means of reality.
6:38 PM: ^ ^ What a douche.
6:38 PM: OK we've got a six year old Seyfried and family....Is that Saul Tigh From Battlestar Galactica?
6:39 PM: WELL FRAK ME.
6:41 PM: Six year old Seyfried is hanging out with a much older woodland kid. I think they are supposed to be the the same age.
6:41 PM: " Oh My God she's like 6 and he's like 14."
6:43 PM: Don't kill the rabbit, young Seyfried!
6:44 PM: Epic adult Seyfried introduction, she comes round a tree in slow motion, complete with her amazingly engaging google eyes, and smoldering sensuality.
6:45 PM: Would totally smash it.
6:46 PM: OK adult woodland kid is apparently called Peter and is chopping wood in that niche chick-lit porn kind of way.
6:47 PM: Really fucking awful scene with Seyfried and Peter, and his hair is way too modern.
6: 48 PM: Did they have hair gel in the 17th century, because this is ridiculous.
6:48 PM: I mean seriously, I know teen girls wanting to do unspeakable things to Robert Pattinson's hair is a large part of the Twilight franchise, but this is a period piece motherfucker. Hair gel doesn'te exist for another 400 Years.
6:48 PM: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HAIR GEL SHIT.
6:48 PM: Cynicism Scale: 10/20
6:48 PM: What earthly material could that be. If Peter can time travel I'm sure there are more productive things then commandeer hair gel for the pilgrims. Kill Hitler asshole.
6:53 PM: Holy shit, I just pissed away that entire scene raging about that guy's hair, I have no fucking idea what or where I am. Seyfried and Peter talked about how much they loved each other, were going to jack a couple of horses and ride off into the wilderness to get eaten by bears. Then The alarm sounded....
6:54 PM: Seyfried is hot.
6:55 PM: Seyfried's sister got K.O'd by the Wolf. And by that of course I mean killed delicately with a single scratch. Rather then devour her alive as wolves are want to do. You know, that's the only reason THEY KILL SHIT AT ALL.
6:55 PM: Dear Ms Catherine Hardwicke, Wolves are not serial killers. K THNX BYE.
6:57 PM: Seyfried and family, namely Virginia Madsen and dad Billy Burke. Burke was kind of awesome in Drive Angry. And Madsen is an awesome actress who just seems to be in shit movies all the time.
6:59 PM: So here's the sweet and lowdown. Seyfried is totes in love with Peter, but Mum Virginia Madsen wants her to marry Henry, the wealthy son of a blacksmith so Seyfried can have a better life, with more things and shit. But, Seyfried wants to follow her heart because obviously that's the thing to do.
7:00 PM: Dear Virginia Madsen, In the 17th century materialism don't mean shit.You're still going to end up getting Rickets. K THNX BYE.
7:01 PM: The two actors playing Seyfried's love interests are fucking awful by the way. I think Peter is worse then Henry, but that's the definition of a hollow victory.
7:03 PM: OK Saul Tigh is back, and so are a few fucking other randomers, And they gonna hunt the wolf. Fool of a took.
7:04 PM: Peter gets in a sly shot at Henry for being a pussy. Yeah Henry why DON'T you want to charge of into the wildernes with toothpicks and forks to kill a mythical beast. Grow some balls.
7:05 PM: Things I hate in movies - Artificial tension and antipathy between two romantic rivals. I get both of you are after the same vajayjay, but do you both have to look at each other like there's no-one more evil in the world. Pathetic.
7:07 PM: Virginia Madsen just chased off Peter, saying something to the effect of Seyfried is too pretty to be poor. Not gonna argue with that.
7:10 PM: OK we be hunting the wolf, and given how early we are in this movie. This bound to go well.
7:12 PM: They make a pit stop at Grandma Julie's Christie's, where Burke gives a reassuring pep-talk, 'I'm all gristle.'
7:13 PM: Wait Julie Christie's in this movie, that's the Dr. Zhivago, Billy Liar, Don't Look Now, McCabe and Ms Miller, Shampoo Julie Christie. Now that's embarrassing.
7:15 PM: Lukas Haas! Says Gary Oldman's coming!
7:17 PM: OH FUCK YOU MOVIE. You know that artificial tension thing I talked about, well yeah Peter just abandoned Henry and his dad for no fucking reason. Because fuck it, even in life threatening situations, this shit still HAS to happen.
7: 17: PM: Cynicism Scale: 12/20
7:19 PM: Oh shit, Henry's Dad just got merked. and by merked I mean rinsed. And by rinsed I mean killed.
7:21 PM: Then Saul Tigh killed the wolf! Ha. Much more impressive if this weren't so obviously a red herring. So Saul Tigh killed a wolf. So say we all.
7:23 PM: Gary Oldman is coming....
7:25 PM: Seyfried tries to console Henry, but he tells her to fuck off. I should imagine this is the only moment either of these guys won't be a complete Seyfried entranced Nonce, So masculine gender, take your victory.
7: 26 PM: Worse things to be then a Seyfried entranced Nonce, just saying. Her eyes are so blue, you get lost in their mystical depths.
7:27 PM: OLDMAN. Finally. He comes with a posse, many carriages. And a stone Elephant.
7:27 PM: A stone Elephant.
7:27 PM: A stone Elephant.
7:27 PM: That means Oldman hired lackeys specifically to carry his giant-ass stone Elephant. And Travel is no mean feat in that day and age, so they've probably been moving that piece of shit for like, 2 months, possibly more. I'd imagine people have died hauling that thing.
7:27 PM: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIANT-ASS STONE ELEPHANT HAIR GEL SHIT.
7:28 PM: So Oldman's a man of the cloth, most specifically the Vatican's division for pawning werewolves. Got him some daughters, and some African mercenary soldiers.
7:29 PM: Insert your Oldman is colonel Gaddafi joke here.
7: 30 PM: Oldman's wife was a wolf, and he killed the bitch. This scene is designed to let us know the boy is hardcore.
7: 31 PM: A message somewhat undercut by his ridiculous Purple, Jack Nicholson Joker get-up, and epic medallions.
7:32 PM: Saul Tigh gives Oldman shit about how they already killed the wolf. Doesn't believe him. Oh Saul Tigh, you are gonna die very, very soon.
7:34 PM: Ok villagers are celebrating the fake dead wolf, by having a fully clothed dance orgy.
7:35 PM: Some village boy named Claude just did a magic in front of witch-master general Oldman. Mistake, Ladies and gentleman?
7:36 PM: OK This just got awesome, Peter's dancing with another girl , so to make him jealous Seyfried is doing a traditional, medieval dance skew lesbian.
7:38 PM: A quick exchange solves the whole, I'm beneath your class so we can't fuck each other tiff, and Seyfried and Peter are in the barn. OOOH but Henry saw. Intrigue.
7:39 PM: Cynicism Scale: 14/20
7:40 PM: Wow this DOP is not afraid to go right down Seyfried's top. I'm not usually against these things, but that felt gratuitous. Gratuitous but awesome.
7:42 PM: WOLF attack. Hold on movie let me handle my shit, for the surprise you laid on me has me in ribbons. Gosh, so Saul Tigh didn't kill the wolf? Shucks thats a twist.
7:43 PM: Here lies Saul Tigh, merked for his arrogance in regards to wolf-killing, his body is to be found in pieces.
7:44 PM: Oldman's mercenaries are getting destroyed. Seyfried is running. CGI is failing.
7:45 PM: Legendary. Oldman just charged at the wolf screaming 'God is stronger' before getting laid out. How I've missed crazy Oldman. That guy is awesome.
7:46 PM: Wolf chases Seyfried and friend into barn and of she starts talking to the wolf.
SEYFRIED: Please Don't kill me.
WOLF: Bitch be cool. I just want to take you to my wolf lair, where we can be together forever. Or I'll kill you're anonymous friend.
7:48 PM: OK so wolf just fucked off, for seemingly no reason. I thought you wanted Seyfried Wolf. Oh fuck it. She just had a conversation with the wolf. any reason to expect that THIS FUCKING MOVIE WOULD MAKE SENSE AND NOT BE RIDICULOUS AT EVERY FUCKING TURN IS JUST TOO MUCH TO EXPECT RIGHT. NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD REQUIRE ANYONE TO PUT AN IOTA OF FUCKING THOUGHT INTO IT OTHER THEN, HEY GUYS, TWILIGHT IS POPULAR, LETS DO TWILIGHT BUT DIFFERENT. THAT'LL BE SOMETHING THEY LIKE. WELL FUCK YOU MOVIE. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS SHIT NO MORE. I DON'T HAVE TO LET YOU FINISH I CAN WALK OUT AND BE FREE. FREE OF SUCH MORONIC BULLSHIT, TO A PLACE WHERE THIS BULLSHIT TAKES UP SPACE IN MY BRAIN I CAN NEVER GET BACK. NO. I'LL REMEMBER THIS MOVIE FOREVER EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO, JUST FESTERING LIKE SOME PARASITIC ENTITY OF SOULLESSNESS CRUSHING MY SOUL. AAAAAAGGGH...........
7:49 PM: Cynicism Scale :16/20
Whipped Boyfriend: Homeless man looked pissed off.
Dominant Girlfriend: Thats because he lives in a bus station.
7:50 PM: Next Wednesday Instead would like to apologize for its reviewer's temporary loss of composure as we work to restore the status quo.
7:52 PM: Oldman just found magician boy Claude in an attic, and is hitherto putting him in the elephant which is....
7:53 PM: A torture device, not dissimilar to an oven. So begs the question why not just commandeer an oven, instead of hauling a giant-ass elephant through the jungle. Hell to pay for a cool visual.
7:54 PM: Random friend turned out to be Claude's sister and is making several offers to Oldman for her bro's freedom from his elephant prison. When Oldman rejects her sexual advances she tells him Seyfried's native american name is converses-with-wolves.
7:55 PM: I think I just won punning. I feel oddly empty.
7:58 PM: Ok, Everyone be chilling in a barn, Seyfried doesn't deny that her World of Warcraft IP is Converses-with-wolves, and they put some metal donkey-head on her and leave her for the wolf to come and fetch.
7:59 PM: Random friend finds Claude dead in a barn. Poignant. That's why you don't betray Seyfried, for the universe shall strike you down.
8:01 PM: Seyfried be seeing the wolf's eyes in everybody's eyes. this joke grows old quick.
8: 03 PM: Some bitch of a village girl is chastising Seyfried for being a witch, but mostly for being beautiful. Biiiiiitch.
8:05 PM: Henry and Peter conspire to free Seyfried, except these actors are terrible and no-one cares what they say.
8:05 PM: Plan, fire as a distraction. Henry goes in to set her free. Lukas Haas gets stabbed by Gary Oldman. Just coz Oldman has killed a kid, and left our heroine for a monster and not been quite evil enough in the last few minutes, so he commits the sin of all sins. Killing Lukas Haas. Oldman, just because he was in Inception and you weren't. No need to be a dick.
8:07 PM: Oldman's mercenaries are retarded, apparently bamboozled by smoke. They just don't know what to do with themselves.
8:08 PM: Hey they captured Peter and put him in the elephant, let's do a once around in celebration. Can I get an amen for competency.
8: 10 PM: Wolf appears, rinses a few guards, naturally and pins everyone in a church. Which is 'hallowed ground' so the wolf can't enter. Pretty sure that's vampires dickwads. FFS.
8:11 PM: Cynicism Scale: 18/20
8:13 PM: OK, Oldman just charged outside the church with a sword. and got his hand bitten off. What a muppet. This s not behavior befitting Jim Gordon.
8: 13 PM:
Nicolas Cage: I ain't no freakin' monument to justice! I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his Bride.
8:15 PM: Oldman got rinsed by his lead African mercenary, in a manner befitting Gaddaffi. A man bitten is a man cursed.
8:16 PM: A man bitten is a man cursed. You get that guys, because the movie sure wants to makesure you've got it. A man bitten is a man cursed. Right.
8:18 PM: Peter has escaped his pointless Elephant prison. Oooh,
8:20 PM: Seyfried shares a final moment with Henry, who we're to understand is a badass but not for her. And goes wandering through the woods to grandma Julie Christie's house. Smart move.
8:22 PM: Confronts Peter in the woods, stabs him because she thinks he's the wolf. His body disappears. Alright if this guy isn't the wolf then he's fucking stupid. Maybe if he spent less time on his hair, he'd know that disappearing into the woods is a bad idea if you're innocent.
8:24 PM: At house, Christie nowhere to be found. But there's Drive Angry's Billy Burke, also known as Seyfried's movie dad. Who I assume is the wolf. That's why he was so sure he wasn't going to get eaten. BECAUSE HE WAS THE WOLF ALL ALONG. Crazy.
8:26 PM: Exposition Five. Burke is explaining why he killed everyone and why he's eaten no-one. This wolf sucks.
8:28 PM: Peter appears, they fight, I don't care. Seyfried kills him with Oldman's dead hand. Call that A suitably Sigourney Weaver move.
8:30 PM: But Peter got bit. You got Bit. Ya bit. So now he's a wolf. Shiiiiiiit.
8:32 PM: After burying daddy, Seyfried and Peter stare into each other's eyes and imagine their future together.
Whipped Boyfriend: D'you know what? Fuck this. I'm leaving. This is fucking terrible and Sucker Punch would have been the best film of all time. you suck and I hate you.
Dominant Girlfriend: Stop making noise out of your mouth.
Whipped BoyFriend: OK.
8:34 PM: Montage. Time passes, Henry is a soldier, Seyfried lives alone in the woods, Peter the wolf comes to visit her in wolf form she looks happy, all set to have some inter-species sex. Terrific. You go girl.
8:35 PM: Cynicism Scale 20/20
Closing Sentiments: Just...Just.....Just....It wasn't as bad as the Human Centipede. And Seyfriend is a movie star awaiting that one great movie. So there's that.