Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon

In which we drop the 'side' so our goldbrickin' asses don't get sued.

I think Shia La beouf's performance in Transformers 3D: The revenge of John Turturro's self-respect is something akin to performance art. While everyone else is clearly trying to get in and out without irrevocably embarrassing themselves, something nobody succeeds at but Alan Tudyk, La Beouf's is performance of indescribable and often inappropriate rage, in which he communicates his share reluctance to be here with a series of almost fourth wall breaking outbursts, that bear no resemblance to how a human being would react in any situation. Take for example, when the military commandeer his car and he just starts screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming. Its sort of like Nicolas Cage in Bad Lieutenant only awful instead of awesome.

I say this because watching LaBeouf's contractually obligated coked-up presence in a franchise he clearly believes he's too good for trainwreck is about the only thing worth tuning in to this third film in what has to be considered one of the most godawful blockbuster franchises in movie history, a blemish on the CV of everyone concerned. But particularly John Turturro. Because fuck John Turturro man. Three of these films he's done now and each time it gets more embarrassing. I don't care if we're in a recession John, you were Barton Fink, and now there's entire generation that will define you as the lame comic relief in the Transformers franchise. While Turturro makes it a hat-trick, plenty of other talented fucks shamelessly mug their way to seven figure pay-checks. John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Ken Jeong, Patrick Dempsey and even Buzz Aldrin all show up. The Aldrin scene is particular is just a set yourself on fire moment. And why would Optimus Prime give a shit if Aldrin went to the moon. He's a fucking alien. He'll see your moon and raise you a galaxy. As for Rosie Huntington Whiteley, well she was hired for being hot, and that is really all Michael Bay wants from her, and that's all she has to offer, so its a deal that works out pretty well for everyone. Although I have to say I enjoyed her acting in the scene where RHW reverse psychologies the shit out of Megatron, you know the super evil, super intelligent alien being. Dude gets played like a fiddle by RHW. What a culmination of writing, acting and plausibility.

Michael Bay, bro, listen for a second, yeah. Sure you're technically proficient and can put together an action scene or two, but I swear you didn't used to direct movies like a 13 year old boy who's just discovered there's such a thing as boobs. You made The Rock and Bad Boys, movies which I unapolgetically like and I guess The Island isn't a total piece of shit. Point being that as ridiculous as it sounds to say, you're better then this shit. You're never going to be Terrence Malick, but you could be Walter Hill with more money. Just stop with this shit already. No more. Or winter is coming Mike, and it's coming for you. Also 2 hours and 45 minutes? What is this Tree Of Life, fuck this shit.

Rating: 3/10