Best Of the 00's: The Ten Best Male Television performances

To my mind, giving a truly great performance on a television show is almost more difficult then giving one in film. It requires much more consistency, a great deal more patience and ability to make bad writing into good writing solely on the back of your selling it. Because given the nature of the television beast, its time constraints don't allow the endless pontification and development of scripts that one can do in feature films. So even the greatest show is going to have a duffer moment that requires the actor to go above and beyond in order to save face. So, without any further ado, and I do so like the ado so consider my brevity a courtesy (Vocab alert.), the best television performances of the decade by those in possession of a Y chromosome. FYI There's an alarming amount of bald guys on this list. This amuses me.

10) Ricky Gervais, The Office


"You have to be a 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back."

Call this a concession. I personally am left a bit cold by the UK office (Yes I know there's something wrong with me) but I know that the man did something great here, even if its not exactly up my alley. Masses, consider yourselves appeased.


9) Michael C Hall, Six Feet Under


"Yeah, I'll be the strong one, the stable one, the dependable one, because that's what I do. And everyone around me will fall apart. 'Cause that's what they do."

Hall has been one of the greatest contributors to television of the decade, giving two subtle, terrific character performances. One in a genuinely great show (Six Feet Under), and the other that sadly never became what it could have been (Dexter). The constant in both is Hall's excellence, but I'm going for his performance as David because during the course of its run, the range required of the man is amazing, and whats even more so is that he never missed a beat.


8) James Callis, Battlestar Galactica


" Aren't you Gaius Baltar? "

" I haven't done anything. "

Yes is a science-fiction show, but it transcended its humble beginnings into a critical sensation for a reason. The performances on this show are pretty much unanimously great, particularly Mary McDonnell, who shall soon be appearing on this lists opposite number. But for me there's one performance that stands out from the beginning, and it comes from James Callis as Baltar, playing a character that embodies self-preservation above all else. Its such a good performance because you find yourself unable to resist rooting for the guy who pretty much destroyed the human race, and its down to Callis talent that Baltar becomes such a complex, awesomely surprising invention.


7) Michael K Williams, The Wire


" I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase. Its all in the game, right? "

The Wire is chock a block full of fantastic understated performances, almost to the point where to pick one out from the ensemble is to commit a grievous crime. But if there's one character from the Wire who rose above the rest, even if by a minuscule margin, it would be Michael K Williams' Omar. Its such an effortless performance of cool, intelligence, humor and pathos that even the obscene amount of adjectives I just used doesn't cover how good he is.


6) Michael Chiklis, The Shield



"With a body count like this, the Aztecs and Mayans are squabbling about more than who invented the burrito. "

In which the guy from a below average sitcom called Daddio, went on to give one of the most iconic television performances that ever was. The Shield on the whole is a drastically under-rated show, with some drastically under-rated performances. Chiklis through all seven seasons is terrific, conveying the moral ambiguity of the character perfectly, always preventing Mackey falling off the ledge into all out villainy, but always making you slightly guilty for getting behind him.


5) Terry O Quinn, Lost


"I've looked into the eye of this island, and what I saw... was beautiful."

I'm sure many would go for Michael Emerson's also terrific performance as Ben Linus, but for me Terry O Quinn's performance as Locke has been the glue that held this show together even through its rougher times. Where as the younger cast members sometimes go through the genre motions, O Quinn earns his place because through thick and thin, he lends such a soulfulness and undertone of thoughtful tragedy to his character, that his screen presence is close to magnetic. He doesn't get the scene-stealing dialogue that Emerson gets, or the redemptive arcs of Josh Holloway or Matthew Fox, but he gave a performance here that didn't so much rise above the show, but took it with him.


4) Hugh Laurie, House


"So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?"

House would be such a shit show without Hugh Laurie. Its preachy, sanctimonious and is under the impression that Olivia Wilde is the most fascinating actress that ever lived. But it has Hugh Laurie. And by the strength of performance, that is at once one of the best comedic performances of the decade and one of the best dramatic ones, makes a quite formulaic medical procedural into an endlessly riveting and endlessly entertaining hour of TV. Laurie certainly earns his accolades in this role.


3) Jason Bateman, Arrested Development


"You seem more villainous than usual, Mom; are you sober?"

In a show full of hilarious and quirky characters (and Michael Cera), why pick the straight man? Because quite frankly Bateman is one of the most hilarious straight men that ever lived. Few actors deliver sarcasm with such relish, and his never-ending stream of deadpanning one-liners and truly genius reactions to the wackiness around him. But what makes the character work so well is that Bateman never let go of the subtelty even in the face of some batshit insane ( but sill genius) writing in the later seasons, and Michael Bluth stayed a perfectly played self-superior saint to the end. The best comedic performance of the decade I'd have no trouble saying.


2) Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad


" Is this just a genetic thing with you? Is it congenital? Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby?"

Watch this show If you're not watching it. Seriously. For all you Mad Men fans out there, Cranston has beaten Jon Hamm at the Emmy's two years in a row. That's how good he is. Another one in the list of great comedy actors that upon turning their attention to more dramatic work, is mesmerizing and mind-blowing. It would be easy to oversell the performance, certainly, but Cranston internalizes all the right moments and draws you in to a complex, painful transition from man to monster. Metaphorically Speaking. He doesn't turn into crappy monster thing like Mohinder on Heroes.


1) James Gandolfini, The Sopranos


"What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?"

I couldn't in good faith give the number one spot to anyone else. The Sopranos, isn't my favorite show, as it is many, many other people's, to me its always been the kind of show to appreciate rather then enjoy, although many times it was both. Gandolfini, though, is a force of nature from beginning to end. Adding more dimensions to Tony Soprano then it is possible to mention, or do justice to in critical review. He's so good it is likely that this is the performance that all future leading men will be judged by. If thats the case then a lot of very good performances are going to look positively workaday next to Gandolfini's.

Top 7: When Ideas Make The Movie

Ideas are a wonderful thing. They inform life itself, and where would we be without capitalism, human rights or the I-pod. Applied to a more insular field of discussion, such as movies, its seems a painful statement of the obvious to say they are very important, but what's interesting is almost how unimportant they've become. Over the years we've built up genres, conventions, stock emotional journeys and cliche's for all areas of film-making. In many ways the idea, at least in its uncompromisable original form which is to come up with something that nobody's done before, seems to matter less and less. Its almost as if they way you tell it matters more then what your telling. Because I guess they're are so many more voices then stories, and that's where you find your originality. But this list is a celebration of spiting this rule, the movies that have good ideas and truly nothing else. Bad acting, bad writing, the works. Except at their core, they has a very good idea, and it carried them bulldozing through all their pitfalls to be a good movie regardless. SPOILER WARNING. BE WARNED ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.

7) Dark City

The Big Idea: So What actually happens when Aliens abduct you?

Alex Proyas has one ability as a film-maker. To make Gothic production design look the shit. If you take this away from him he's got nothing, as evidenced by Knowing and I Robot. I know The Crow has its fans, but this is probably the best thing he'll ever do because it works on such a good concept. Suffice to say it props up some bad acting, shocking dialogue and general suckage in all areas exempting cinematography and production design. It also allowed a great visual film-maker with no story-telling sense whatsoever to make a good movie.

6) Evil Dead 2

The Big Idea: Right, so you've got The Evil Dead and you've got Airplane...

This is a kind of horror comedy we'd never seen before at the time, Which is the enthusiastic piss-take. The pitch of this movie basically Airplane with gore, and because this idea worked so wonderfully. One can't help but get swept up in the Giddiness, and be entertained to the point of such incapacitation that you almost doesn't notice there's absolutely nothing substantial here at all. Its Candy floss if it were a movie, but the concept of tone is so strong that this movie recently rinsed Citizen Kane and The Seventh Seal in Empire's 1000 greatest movies. Who needs those movies when you have Bruce Campbell being attacked by has own hand right. But seriously I love this movie.

5) Assault on Precinct 13

The Big Idea: An inner city siege. Like Rio Bravo with street punks.


You could substitute this with any John Carpenter movie really, because he was the master of executing awesome high-concepts in a manner of mediocrity, but the idea was so invariably good people ate that shit up. After all this dude re-invented the siege movie and pretty much created the stalk and slash genre, such is the extent at his genius of the simple but awesome concept. 13 is a surprisingly effective movie because of its premise, even if it is shot and written like a straight to video movie almost, with a standard of acting to match. But no-one had thought of a 'hey wouldn't an inner city siege movie be awesome!' movie before and thus Carpenter's legend was assured.

4) Cube

The Big Idea: So what if we were the rats in the maze?


This is an interesting one, because you can tell this movie is written by a very smart man, with a deep knowledge of Physics, Mathematics, Psychology and Philosophy. But what Vincenzo Natali is not is a great film-maker, really. Or a great writer for that matter. But Cube is such a barnstormer of a movie in terms of subject matter it really doesn't matter that the dialogue feels like it belongs in Heroes and the acting in As the world turns. Despite this, Its the quintessential Rats in a Maze movie, with people having to solve the puzzle of an unfathomably large and ever shifting Cube in order to avoid the fate of a lab rat. The Saw franchise owes it a lot, which stole the ideas and ditched the intelligence.

3) El Mariachi

The Big Idea: Its a Mariachi vigilante. Hell yeah.


The western meets an 80's action movie, but set in Mexico. The concept of having a gun-toting mariachi coming to town to clean shit up is so awesome in itself, its no wonder that this movie not only launched a trilogy but also the career of Robert Rodriguez. And this despite it looking like it was made for absolutely no money (it was made for less) and there being nothing that amazing about the film at all really. It just that 'gun-slinging mariachi' looks so awesome on paper it became a cult hit. Its maybe The snakes on a plane orgy of irony thing, but to a lesser extent. Desperado is the shit though, and without this there's not that so. Thank god for fans of cheap action movies.

2) Mad Max

The Big Idea: Its a revenge/road movie set in the future. With Mel Gibson.


Mad Max made for more money and with a better cast ( i.e its sequel the Road Warrior) would have been one sick-ass film, but as it is there's just a clever little revenge movie with a charismatic star and an exploitative down and dirty feel. Which works and doesn't work at selected intervals. But the combination of the semi-dystopian future and pedal to the metal road movie of it as well as the revenge story works as a very clever and at the time original crossing of genre's. Its rough around the edges feel doesn't matter as much as it would say if this movie starred Charles Bronson and been envisioned with less verve.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The Big Idea: Southern hicks kill nice city folk with chainsaws. Thats right I said Chainsaws.


Introduced the Chainsaw as a killing tool for cinema. End of. That's such a legendary contribution that the rest of this movie could pretty much be the twiddling of thumbs and it would still have a legitimate place in history. There's more to it then that, but there's some quite blatant flaws here too. Acting goes without saying in a movie of this kind, and also some of the pacing and OTT of it fails some times. But like I said, Chainsaw.

Top 5: Apocalypse movies

In the spirit of Roland Emmerich's latest orgy of destruction, I decided to look back at the best end of the world hypotheticals that came before. And to be honest a large percentage of them are quite shite. Unlike the Post-apocalyptic movie, which has a far better track record because it runs through themes of isolation that many of us in our pre-destroyed world can relate to, The present tense apocalypse movie is nine out of ten times about blowing shit up. Full stop. Its a disaster movie with excess. But hey there are some exceptions to the general rule of banality and here they are.

5) Akira
This is one of those movies where you have no idea what the fuck is going on, but the ride is so good you really don't care. Apocalyptic themes run throughout though, in what might be the best non-Miyazaki Anime movie. An ADD ridden, truly insane film, but one you'll remember for a long time.

4)Children Of Men
A particularly clever high concept end of the world movie, in which rather then asteroids or aliens that bring us to our end, its infertility. And for the most part the film works a treat, with a genuinely terrifying and mystifyingly plausible hook at its core. Its fantastically put together too, with one of the most memorable action sequences we've seen in a long time.

3) Dr Strangelove
Given the general reaction to this movie by my generation on blogs and in word of mouth, it appears to have dated quite badly, with many younger people left amiss. But for me it still works, and possibly the only movie to draw such humor from nuclear war and its reasoning. Features one of legendary comedian Peter Sellers best performances too.

2) Dawn of the Dead
I feel like I feature George Romero movies just way too often on these countdowns, but whatever because they seem to fit a lot of parameters of list-making. Where as the first movie, although devastatingly effective, is relatively insular and its only in Dawn do we expand our focus to see the true meaning of zombie apocalypse. Similarly terrifying and exhilarating. And a particularly charming selection of picture on my part, no?

1) Twelve Monkeys
OK, so this is a slight cheat, what with there being some Post-apocalyptic bits, but thanks to the wonders of time travel the movie primarily takes place in the present where Bruce Willis struggles to prevent the seemingly inevitable with painfully effective consequences.

TOP 5: Jeff Bridges

I'm a very big Big Lebowski fan. Aside from having seen it a number of times that left the lower double digits in the dust quite some time ago. It's arguably the greatest work from two very important directors and its endlessly quotable to the point where you're friends irritation at hearing 'nobody fucks with the Jesus' for the thousandth time will take physical form. Which will likely connect with your face. But it doesn't seem to matter to us because the movie's world is one you can wonderfully lose yourself in. So it is much to my delight to see Jeff Bridges pay homage to the Dude by slightly retooling him for The Men Who Stare at Goats, the review of which will be up this weekend. In celebration of this, here's the four-time Oscar nominee Bridges five best roles in film according to me and yes there is no Starman here because that film blows. Also I may have given the number one spot away in this prattle though. Just maybe.

5) Lightfoot, Thunderbolt and Lightfoot

It seems like an off the wall choice, given the fact that the film is a fairly run of the mill Clint Eastwood 70's action/thriller type deal, even if it is by Michael Cimino. But Bridges rises above the material and gives a deservedly Oscar nominated performance as a headstrong and erratic young criminal. Its a hard sell given the movie's title and all but he really is very good.

4) Ted Cole, The Door in The Floor

Bridges most successful stepping into Indie movie territory, or at least the indie movie as we've come to know it. He plays a self-absorbed, borderline misogynist writer (is there any other kind) to great effect, and while the movie certainly mines familiar territory, good performances from Bridges and co-star Kim Basinger make it worth it in the end.

3) Jack Lucas, The Fisher King

He has always played assholes to great effect, possibly due to the subversion of his naturally affable screen presence (I have vocab), but this is probably my favorite of them. He provides a very credible, pleasingly cynical presence in a movie that might otherwise have been crushed by its own unleashed whimsy.

2) Jackson Evans, The Contender

Not to be confused with the Sly Stallone produced boxing reality series of the same name. This is one of those underplayed movies centering around political intrigue and scandal. Bridges terrific performance as the charmingly seeming, but deftly manipulative President Jackson Evans won him his most recent Oscar nomination, but is so good it still feels under-valued.

1) The Dude, The Big Lebowski

I think I've blown my below picture blurb for this already. So just watch this instead.

10 Days of Horror: 7 Classic Horror Movies Made Obsolete By Rip-Offs

Everybody starts the creative process with a source of inspiration, something that makes them do what they do. Personally I rephrase random crap I find on other movie websites in a slightly more rambling and slightly less hilarious way. As far as the motion pictures are concerned, if you somehow by some glorious accident make something that has been deemed to be original, then it as an absolute certainty that movie after movie will pilfer, rob and generally do everything just to the right of plagiarism until your once unique idea has its only distinction being that it was the first. Which is something I guess, but through no fault of their own the movie becomes a lot less impressive then it was thanks to countless cash-ins.

7) Psycho
Sure it remains a good movie, Anthony Perkins is awesome and it created a critically reprehensible sub-genre but almost every part of it his been dissected and re-applied to some film or another, dramatically reducing its impact. Killers with mother issues, slasher set-pieces and nice guys that aren't all that nice appear in almost every movie of a similar tone, and then there's Brian De Palma who quite possibly made eight different veiled rip-offs of this movie. Now its something that can only be appreciated rather then enjoyed, Perkins aside.

6) Saw
As far as I can tell, the alpha of the painfully derisive torture porn genre, the horror movie of choice for this decade, has been almost made redundant within six years or so of its release. Its actually a good movie, and in a bizarre way The Dark Knight owes it a lot. But partly by its own exceptionally greedy hand, seeing as Saw 6 is currently robbing suckers blind nationwide, and partly by other countless Captivity's and The Collector's trying to get in on the game, Saw doesn't look half as clever as it did in 2004.

5) Alien
In space no-one can hear you scream. But after 20 years of rip-offs, it probably isn't that much of an issue any more. Granted the John Hurt scene still lands, but otherwise the once great idea of ten little Indians in space looks a little tired now. Particularly because my generation went into this film having previously seen Event Horizon. Which didn't look so good.

4) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
To be fair, the inbred hick wasn't getting much in the way of press but after this film we've had three decades of deformed and frightfully uneducated residents of the American south hacking those nice libertarian college kids from the north to bits, with wearing their skin as a trophy being entirely optional. To think this was once an original concept that scared the bejesus out of people.

3) Halloween
Watch this now, and I challenge you not to be underwhelmed. Still defended by today's critics who aren't ready to sell out their childhood cinematic milestones just yet. But the problem is Halloween is a decidedly average movie, with originality the only thing going for it. Now we've seen this film done better by millions of others it no longer has any purpose. Sometimes quality, like in the cases of Psycho or Alien can get you through losing impact, but if you never really had it in the first place..

2) The Sixth Sense
M. Night Shyamalan. Or the man who made the twist cool again. And the one in this movie is a killer ( Not as good as the one in usual suspects though, which will remain the best twist of all time forever.) but aside from the fact that this is one of the most spoiled movies in history, every 'Psychological' horror from here to the I inside felt a twist was an absolute necessity. Thus as the twists got weaker and more contrived people began to get sick of being constantly duped and started telling M Night to go screw himself, and because the man became so synonymous with the twist ending, it cheapened the experience compared to when it happened organically.

1) Blair Witch Project
This real footage horror movie was one of the best high concept horrors ever made. There's nothing quite like seeing something you've never seen before done this well. Sadly, many less savvy film-makers thought so too and so My Little Eye, Cloverfield, Quarantine and many thousands more inferior knock offs were born. Making this brilliant concept as tired as anything else on this list.

10 Days of Horror: 5 legendary horror characters/species that are actually incompetent

After my last post which contained many long words chosen for their longness rather then their relevance, I need a post to get me back into the laid back half-assed swing of things. And after many painful moments of deliberation, I believe its time to expose all the great horror heroes and villains you all love so much for the incompetent losers they are. Whether it be killing teens inadequately, getting friends killed or just generally being stupid. Re-evaluation is upon them.

5) Jack Torrance, The Shining

Our boy Jack might be good at chewing the scenery and getting spoofed on the Simpson's, but in terms of being an effective psychopathic killer, this one's all talk and no action. Repeatedly bested in physical confrontation by a 20 pound Shelley Duvall, and repeatedly outsmarted by a ten year old boy. Jack just isn't up to snuff when it comes to actually paying off some of his grandstanding.

4) The Zombies, Zombieland
When zombies fail to bag themselves a single major or minor character in a whole frickin movie, they don't deserve to be called zombies. Embarrassment to their kind they are.

3) Ash, Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2
Fine, dude kills a lot of possessed people. But in the course of two movies, he loses all of his friends, two separate girlfriends and gets transported back to the 14th century. Whats the point in having a chainsaw for a hand if you just let every one around you die. He can self-preserve but he's the kind of leader that gets all of his men killed and considers it a victory.

2) Inter-dimensional giant monsters, The Mist
This is a neat little movie, but its monsters suck beyond belief. The big ones are pretty much Godzilla in size and fail to figure out how to bust through the single-glazed glass super-market wall which protects our survivors. They may be big but they are not clever.

1) Shaun, Shaun of the dead
This is the big one, because Shaun is one of the fictional heroes for the lower middle-class. The slacker who came good when the situation called for it, right? Wrong. Shaun is a moron, and does things that are ridiculously stupid again and again. Example 1: Choice of location, pulls his girlfriend out of a high rise flat, a high rise flat for fuck's sake, one of the safest places to hold down in a zombie apocalypse. To go to a ground floor pub with several entrances and exits that's its impossible to defend. Example 2: Stubborn assholism. Upon seeing the pub is already surrounded by zombies, continues in anyway. Getting his Mum, his best friend and two other innocents killed in the process. All so he can prove himself to his girlfriend. Which worked though, to be fair. Still an idiot though.

10 Days of Horror: The Best British Horror Films Of The Last 20 Years

I would go so far to say that generally speaking I have a less then passing interest in the British film industry. The majority of its output is uninspiring and we seem to get outdone by countries of similar global relevance. But in the spirit of the psychological process of denial, I have decided donate an entire post of this horror marathon to what my countrymen have given us during the course of what is roughly my lifetime. The best British horror films of the last twenty years then. Interestingly, not one of them is from the nineties. But I guess everybody gets a decade off here and there.

6) Severance
After trashing Christopher Smith's latest the other day, it seems fair to cut him some slack on this one. This film is funny in places, contains some good performances (From Andy Nyman and Tim McInnerny) and some clever black humor. Its far from amazing, but it for what it is it works, which is a lot more then can be said for some. Danny Dyer is the worst actor in history though.

5) 28 Days Later
To most people this would be higher, and it certainly is a stylish movie, but I think the second half fluffs it, despite how good Christopher Ecclestone is. Its still a landmark for re-igniting the British horror movie though, and it gave the under-rated Cillian Murphy a career.

4) Dog Soldiers
Its over the top, but the kind of OTT that can be relentlessly enjoyed. High in the running for the most entertaining horror movie of recent years, and its a pretty meanly executed siege movie. Some of the writing and acting may be a bit rough around the edges, but accomplished a super-human feat of getting a good performance of Sean Pertwee, so deserves mad props for that.

3) Shaun of the Dead
I think this is a good movie, don't get me wrong. But its a hell of an over-rated one. It gets by on its unabated love for all things zombie, an affectionate mockery rather then a scathing roasting. Also love about half the cast, Bill Nighy steals the movie with about five minutes of screen-time, and I also enjoyed Dylan Moran even if he is playing a stock douche. It also has a couple of moments of genuine darkness too, which catch you nicely by surprise.

2) The Descent
Director Neil Marshall second appearance on this list, after Dog Soldiers. The Descent is darker, more mature and contains some genuinely disturbing imagery. Marshall, proving himself a deceptively skillful master of pacing and possibly the best director of 'group of people get picked off one by one' movies that ever was. Probably the best out and out horror movie on this list given the fact that number one is a bit of a cheat.

1) Dead Man's Shoes
Yes its an arthouse movie about character but its also a slasher movie about bloody revenge too right. People get picked off one by one by the awesome Paddy Considine, who gives a performance here that will stay with you. A great example of why the best horror movies are made by non-horror directors. They just bring something else to it.

10 Days of Horror: 7 horror films that aren't really about what there about

Allegory is a one-stop port to credibility for the 'genre' movie. I say genre because it seems the polite and dignified way to put it, and has none of the implied ickyness that comes the term 'horror' movie. Its a great way for people to talk about horror without having to actually talk about it, not to dissimilar to when zombies are re branded as ' The Infected' or 'Ghouls' to avoid the kitsch factor that inevitably comes to pass when forced to say the word zombie. And seeing as were dealing with allegory, which is the critically appraised habit of speaking in metaphor, that seemed an appropriate way to ice-break. Anyway, the great thing about allegory is that you get the best of both worlds, you get to make important political points and scathing social commentary by means of people chopping each other to bits and getting eaten by monsters. Intellectualism by way of evisceration. The wonder that movies can be. SPOILER WARNING.

7) Aliens
Poor Ripley. You float 85 years in space, get told your kid has died of old age, get manipulated into being an adviser on a mission to save some colonists who tried to settle on LV-426 (Morons.) by everyone's favorite yuppie Carter Burke, watch the force of the American military get destroyed by a mixture of their own arrogance and slimy green things. become a surrogate mother to some random girl with a retarded name like Newt and a girlfriend to Kyle Reese only for them both to be killed in the opening seconds of Alien 3. Girl can't catch a break.

What its really about?

Vietnam. In which America tried to enforce their will on a distant land (read colonists on LV-426), got royally slaughtered (read Alien infestation), sent in the marines to sort shit and leave it to their commie god to sort them out, except it didn't work ( Read the aliens fucking up the majority of the soldiers) and thus Vietnamese and Americans killed each other until America had enough ( Read when Signourney Weaver has had enough) . The soldiers get disillusioned and the civilians disagree with their tactics ( Sigourney Weaver rips Gorman a new one. Oh Gorman.) , believing the war to be about petty political and financial motivation that doesn't have the people at its heart (Read Carter Burke = US Government, selling a good story but secretly just wanting the alien Eggs to make a weapon, and fuck anyone who gets in his way). With patriotism wearing thin the Americans Napalm the shit out of them (SW nukes the whole planet I believe.) and sulk off back to their homeland. And so James Cameron made his Vietnam movie in subtext.


6) Ginger Snaps
This film about two sisters fascinated by all things death, only for their life to take a turn for the ironic when one of them gets bitten by a werewolf. Bloodshed and Gore ensue.

What its really about?

The process of female puberty. Or when a girl becomes a woman, and the kicking and screaming that goes with it. In this movie conveyed by wolfing out. I guess horror isn't really the genre to whine about subtelty, but a biological event that happens every month ( or lunar cycle), leading to mood swings and attacking people who don't deserve it? This is allegory who's point you won't miss. Good movie though.


5) Night of the Living Dead
George Romero loved him some allegory, and every Dead movie is making some sort of sociological point in between, ahem, choking on them. The first one though, is surely just some zombie siege movie. No complexity here, just guys holed up in a farmhouse smacking down zombies with tire irons. Surely.

What Its really about?

Racism in 60's America. Oh come on. That's reaching. Except its not. Admittedly the first twenty minutes maybe is just your standard surface level ghoulfest but once we're introduced to Ben ( Read an educated black generation) , a black twenty-something who's adapting to this whole zombie situation really, really well. First saving Barbra from about 5 zombies and her own high pitched whining, then fortifying the house, figuring out a Zombie Achilles heal , finding a gun and discovering more survivors. Its safe to assume a dude know what he's doing. But White middle-class patriarch Cooper ( Read the racist and backward sect of white America) just can't accept this. He should be the one in charge and making the decisions (Read White resistance to black civil rights movements). Not this jumped up colored boy. To paraphrase. Cooper's conviction that he'd rather die then concede any ground to this man, inevitably leads to everyone getting slaughtered but plucky Ben. Who is duly shot in the head by some white farmer the minute he steps outside. Making the point that racism and hatred runs thicker then blood, or even the need to kill zombies.


4) Peeping Tom
One of the classic serial killer movies. Perverted sicko goes about killing women, filming it and watching it back. To see if he missed anything I guess. Nice guy.

What its really about?

Voyeurism of the storyteller. Sure voyeurism is a theme that Peeping Tom makes no effort to hide, but our man Mark's kind of watching is a stand in for Michael Powell's main theme, which is coming to terms with the voyeuristic nature of his life's work. The fabrication of emotions, characters and situations, often involving suffering, death and pain that he watched in silence while the cameras rolled. This is true of every aspect of storytelling. The writer lovingly creates his characters only to force upon them emotional turmoil and pain from a position of God like omniscience. ( Read Mark making the films of his kills, thus objectifying himself from the act.) The story-teller experiences his characters happiness ( Read the scene in which Mark joyfully gets Moira Shearer to innocently dance for the camera before killing her.) Their fantasies, both light and dark and their eventual destiny be it happy or tragic. Peeping Tom is an essay on the involuntary deity status being a storyteller provides, and the perversions that come with.


3) Misery
In which Kathy Bates smashes someone's leg with a sledgehammer. Other stuff happens too, like in which thinly veiled Stephen King surrogate no. 6 (James Caan) deals with a crazy fan who doesn't like the way he ended his latest novel. Coz she's crazy.

What Its really about?
Fans shutting the fuck up. Because you have to be crazy not to like the way he ends his writing right? crazy. Given that King gets endlessly criticized for his endings, this blatantly is a piece of STFU writing if there ever was one. Guys, did you write The Shining or Carrie. Did you write the script to Butch Cassidy or All The Presidents Men (William Goldman wrote the screenplay, if you didn't get that). No. You didn't. So where the fuck do you get off telling me how to write my books/screenplays. My watch cost more then you make in a year! Fuck you and your opinions. And if you continue to bug me, I will demonize you in literature, have that adapted into a movie, have you played by Kathy Bates and have her win an Oscar for portraying just how wrong you are. Now leave me alone, I have to write the sequel to Pet Cemetery.


2) The Host
This awesome Korean Monster movie is everything that can go right in the horror genre. Its fun, its scary and there's archery. This story of a monster dwelling in a city river coming a shore to feed on some Korean is a tale of a family torn apart and the love that pulls them back together. Only phrased in a way that doesn't make you want to puke all over your own face.

What its really about?

The environment. The Monster is created by the US government (of course) dumping unchecked toxins and chemicals into the city river, and as we all know if you don't take care of nature then nature will give you the finger. So substitute the monster for say as tsunami or a hurricane and you get this movie's point.


1) Dawn of The Dead
Romero mark two. The guy loves allegory what can I say. This movie makes the top spot though because its the smartest, most elegantly executed piece of horror movie allegory that exists, at least to the extent of my knowledge. Surface, its another Zombie siege movie, only taking place on a grander scale, exchanging a farmhouse for a shopping mall. Ken Foree killed enough zombies to earn a reference in Shaun of the dead, the ultimate tribute to zombie killing prowess.

What its Really about?

Consumerism. You see our Romero's zombies are innately drawn to places they felt safe in their pre-zombie existence. So it's little surprise that the corpses are naturally pulled toward a great Philadelphia shopping mall. You see we are designed and programmed by society to believe that certain things are good, some are some aren't. Family, patriotism, capitalism, football whatever. But above all to keep the world ticking we must, on pain of death buy bunch of shit we don't need down at the local mega store. Consumerism is so deeply wound into our system's that it can even survive the zombification process. You are not you're fucking khakis, fool. Only twenty years earlier and with some zombies thrown in.