REVIEW: Fast Five

You just went from the middle of the most wanted list, to the very top. Osama Bin Laden anyone? Nope?

I make an effort to see every film that gets a release, a policy I generally observe with two caveats. Shitty conveyor belt kids movies or sequels to films I already hated. Even that last one doesn't absolve me of seeing stuff like Twilight sequels or Transformers: The Dark Side Of The Moon, because they're too large a part of the culture. So really its only sequels to moderately successful films I hate I can justify not seeing. And I was all set to include Fast Five in this category, and happily not pollute my brain with this shit.

Yet I went and fucked up my screening schedule, so my planned Arthur and Beastly double bill went out the window, and in order not to have taken a 30 minute bus journey to Beastly being something I had done, I regrettably had to see this movie as well. And to be honest, what is there to say about it. It knows its audience, it knows its formula, and its fans (Who I have to assume is exclusively teenage boys and people who don't give a shit.) probably prefer being able to predict every moment, embrace every cliche and get exactly what they want. You can kind of forget that some people aren't passionate about movies, that some people don't want movies to be all that smart or challenging. They just want a night out, 2 hours to enjoy with friends and that's it. And there's certainly more of that guy then there are of me. So while Fast Five is pretty much abominable, the dialogue is bad, the story is bad, Vin Diesel just looks pissed off that these movies are the only career avenue left for him at this point, Paul Walker continues to do his best impression of a cinder-block and while I admire The Rock's openness to playing antagonists, this character is so hollow it's not even funny.

I could go on about the many things that don't make sense, the many things that are mind-bogglingly stupid, but if you're seeing the fourth sequel to The Fast And The Furious voluntarily I'm going to go right ahead and assume you don't care about these things. You probably care about some sweet shots of some expensive cars, some sweet shot of some chicks and some sweet action scenes. If its there, fuck if it makes sense. You are a lost cause to me my friend, just as I am to you.

Rating: 3/10