Next Week's Movies

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Part 1: Everyone stay the fuck out of the way, because the boy wizard who uses capital letters to communicate anger is here. Not a single movie decided to take on Harry Potter this weekend, which was probably wise. I'm more optimistic for this one, purely because it should be non-stop action and famous British actors dying. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Next Week's Movies

You Again: U rated family comedy about high school rivalries that never end, starring Kristen Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver. I like it when Weaver gets to be funny but Curtis and Bell are signposts for shit movies, as much as it hurts me to say that about Veronica Mars. Expectancy Level: 4/10

Skyline: This movie has like the best cast ever. Gabriel Dimas from Six Feet Under, Turk from Scrubs, Batista from Dexter and Crystal Reed. I tentatively say that I think this could be trashy fun, but it also could be very much awful. Expectancy Level: 5/10

We Are What We Are: Mexican movie about a family of cannibals. Say what. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Next Week's Movies

Saw 3D: I'd say who is left to possibly give a shit, but this is making more money then anything else this week. Ka-fucking-ching. Expectancy Level: 4/10

Let Me In: Opinion it seems has generally come around on Let Me In, which began an abomination and became something awesome. You can't touch my original, its sacred! Its perfect! You can do this to m...Oh the girl from Kick-Ass. Right, see I didn't know that. Expectancy Level: 7/10

Another Year: Mike Leigh film about English old people. Can I get a fuck yeah? Because this place is gonna last a while. Expectancy Level: 8/10

Due Date: Downey Jr and Galifiniakas is an interesting pairing, but the knives have come out for this so far, still I foster hope for it at least being a little bit funny. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Jackass 3D: You know, given that this is a cluster-fuck of a week and all, I might just skip this. Because I don't care how much it makes me laugh. It doesn't make me happy. Expectancy Level: N/A

Next Week's Movies

The Kids Are Alright: This very well-reviewed, very indie comedy looks to have promise. But I remain suspicious of any movie where a character owns a vegan restaurant. Expectancy Level: 7/10

Burke And Hare: Serial-killing comedy from John Landis, that unnerves me. But perhaps the presence of Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis will save things. hmmm. Expectancy Level:5/10

Saw 3D: A plague on both your houses. Expectancy Level: Who gives a shit/10

Next Week's Movies

Easy A: Its been a while since there's been a decent high school comedy, particular one that has brains. This is what this film seems to be, but I'm staying on the side of caution for now. Probably a breaker of a role for Emma Stone though. Expectancy Level: 7/10

Red: Aside from anything else, this movie has an awesome cast and the old people with guns joke is sure never to get old right? Can it be anything other then an action movie version of Space Cowboys? Probably not, but it has John Malkovich being crazy and that's something I always like to see. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Paranormal Activity 2: Yeah. The film that makes no sense, yet was always somehow inevitable. I'll see it because of the shocking lack of horror films about but still. Sucks. Expectancy Level: 4/10

Legends Of the Guardians: The Owls Of Ga'Hoole: Its a Zack Snyder animated film about owls. So there'll be some sick shots of owls in slow-motion. Preferably in the rain. Then again in theory I'm up for a movie about owls beating the shit out of each other. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Africa United: Oh god. Expectancy Level: 3/10

Alpha And Omega: Hayden Panettiere pays for the rent voicing a wolf, in this fox and the hound-esque kids movie. If I'm passing up on something this weekend it seems likely to be this. Expectancy Level: 4/10

Next Week's Movies

That was a peacefully thin week of new movies, so of course next week is packed to shit. Because the universe hates you. But hates me more. Fuck you Universe. Dick.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: Sheesh. The repeatedly delayed wall street sequel arrives to bang yet another nail into the coffin of Oliver Stone's career. Burial joke one. Expectancy level: 4/10

The Life and Death Of Charlie St.Cloud: Erm, yeah. The potentially self-serious melodrama starring Zac Efron sees his tiny dead bro raise from the grave and into his head. But Efron's got to let his memory go so he can live a normal life! You can't keep a good ghost bro down in his coffin. Burial joke two. Expectancy Level: 3/10

Life As We Know It: Katherine Heigl continues her assault on good movies and innocent children with her latest, another high-concept romantic comedy revolving around her being uptight. Plus Josh Duhamel. Will make money but nobody will admit to seeing it. They'll take that shit to their graves. Burial joke three, you can't contain this. Expectancy level: 4/10

Mr Nice: The only non-dogpile of the week comes in the form of this Rhys Ifans starring biopic about a famous welsh drug dealer. I like Ifans, and it looks like David Thewlis has a cool role so that's good to see. Still, trepidation before anticipation. Plus coffin joke, pretend I had one. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Next Week's Movies

Buried: Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes. There. Although would he really get cellphone reception. Really? Expectancy Level: 7/10

Made In Dagenham: The British film industry continues its war on fiction film-making with yet another pseudo-historical civil rights biopic. Yay? Expectancy Level: 6/10

Takers: This, eh, I can't think of any words to fully do justice to the mediocrity of this movie. Paul Walker and Hayden Christensen? Come on. Expectancy Level: 4/10

This Week's Movies

The Town: Something isn't letting me be quite as excited as most people, but I've no doubt that this will be a good film, but I think it might just stop at that and go no further. Rating: 7/10

The Hole: Its great to see a Joe Dante movie get a wide release, and this looks like good solid, enjoyable family horror movie. I passively look forward to it. Rating: 6/10

Eat Pray Love: Big Julia Roberts comeback, Glee creator Ryan Murphy runs the show, subject matter looks a little iffy. Not sure if I care. Maybe I will. But probably won't. Rating: 5/10

Next Week's Movies

Devil: Right, there is no conceivable way this can be worse then the Last Airbender, the diminishing return thing has to stop now. Even if it is shit, it simply can't be that shit. Expectancy Level:5/10

The Other Guys: I think this looks serviceable in terms of hopefully being entertaining. I can't think of a more glowing anticipatory statement then that. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Winter's Bone: Yay, a good movie. I don't really think its wise to predict anything being better then it 8/10, save being disappointed by some very good movies. Still. Expectancy Level: 9/10

The Kid: I've no doubt that this will be good, but I am not in any way excited to see it. Not at all. Expectancy Level: 7/10

I'm Still Here: The possibly joking, possibly serious Joaquin Phoenix documentary/mockumentary is certainly going to be unforgettable. I don't quite know how else to phrase it then that. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Next Week's Movies

Cyrus: I am semi-excited for this movie, has the potential to be a twisted black comedy, and hopefully take Jonah Hill out of his Apatow safe zone into creepier territory. Plus Marisa Tomei and John C Reilly. Expectancy Level: 7/10

The Runaways: I wonder what fans of the punkish group The Runaways thought of this movie casting two actresses from twilight in the lead roles. Must be delighted. But cruel asides aside, both Stewart and Fanning are good actresses in theory and this might be a chance for them to show it. Plus Michael Shannon. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Going The Distance: Hmm. romantic comedy in 2010 instantly makes me jump back in fear, but this one's got Drew Barrymore and Justin Long and is supposed to be at least OK. Its got to be at least OK. I don't know what will become of me if its not. Plus Charlie Day! Fuck Yeah. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Resident Evil: Afterlife: Fuck you movie, making me double colon. That shit looks ridiculous. Colon afterlife colon indeed. Paul ' I'm not even the best director with my own name' Anderson returns to the helm, and this time its in 3D. I can't believe there's been five Resident Evil movies. Plus, erm Ali Larter? Expectancy Level: 3/10

Tamara Drewe: This film had the worst trailer of anything I've ever seen I think, so I go in with an untameable vengeance. Shit gonna get destroyed. And not just because its going to be shit, but because fuck it. Plus Stephen Frears, Expectancy Level: 3/10

Next Week's Movies

The Switch: The only thing not sending me to the hills is the presence of Jason Bateman. But Jason Bateman was in Couples Retreat. So. Expectancy Level: 4/10

The Last Exorcism: Digi-cam horror for the win. Not only do these movies seem to to multiply by the day, they also never stop making money. Still I'm getting very close to the place where I don't care anymore. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Jonah Hex: Call it morbid curiosity, but I am definitely going to see this movie. Definitely. Expectancy Level: 2/10

Dinner For Schmucks: Steve Carell doesn't seem to have the greatest sense of quality control, and here is his latest OK movie to be released. Unsure. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Certified Copy: Cannes awarding movie with a supposedly awards worthy performance from Juliet Binoche. There. Expectancy Level: 7/10

Next Week's Movies

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World: I don't know if I'm quite as excited for this as most other people I know, but it looks to be at the very least a lot of fun - Expectancy Level: 7/10

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Its got sme semi-decent reviews so we'll see. I'm certainly not excited in any shape or form - Expectancy Level: 5/10

The Girl Who Played With Fire: Very brisk sequel to a film everybody loved but me. Sure to be thought awesome by everyone else but me - Expectancy Level: 6/10

Grown-Ups: I hate Adam Sandler the comedian. Hate him, ironically I can't think of a dramatic performance he gave that I didn't like, but there you go. This will be shit. - Expectancy Level: 4/10

Next Week's Movies

Marmaduke: I dare to dream not a chance in hell, but it depends how masochistic I feel on the day I guess. Expectancy Level: 3/10

Salt: Looks kind of bland doesn't it. Its got some good reviews popping up here and there, but believe me my expectations are tempered. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Piranha 3D: Erm, fuck yeah. This previews itself doesn't it? Plus the fact that Eli Roth is credited as 'wet t-shirt contest emcee' probably means he's going to die in a ridiculously violent way. I can think of no-one more deserving. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Human Centipede (The first sequence): For fuck's sake. I really don't want to see this. Really. Less then anything I can think of in a long while. But it will be between this and Marmaduke, and I sense I might be in trouble. Expectancy Level: 2/10

Mother: The fact that it comes from the director of The Host is enough for me. Some good reviews bouncing around too. Expectancy Level: 7/10

Next Week's Movies

Yes I couldn't bring myself to see either Cats and Dogs 2 or Step Up 3D. My rules for not seeing movies are as follows. If they are completely not to my taste in any way and are also going to be complete shit and are not big enough to warrant too much press attention. Or sequels to movies that were unforgivably shit in the first place, or cash-ins if you will. Everything else I will see. Anyways, to next week.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice: You had me at Nicolas Cage playing a wizard. Even if this movie is shit, that can only be awesome. Expectancy Level: 5/10

The Last Airbender: Shyamalan's supposed masterpiece of cack was not the bomb everyone thought it would be, but everyone does seem to agree that it is shit. Who am I not to expect I'll toe that line too. We don't do trend-breaking here. Expectancy Level: 3/10

The Expendables: Sure to rival Twilight for the most unintentionally gay movie of the year, it will certainly be something to see. It will also be terrible, but it will be something to see. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Tinkerbell And The Great Fairy Rescue: What the fuck is up with this getting a mainstream release, still I'll probably see it just for the google hits. Expectancy Level: 3/10

Next Week's Movies

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore: I pity the fool. Expectancy Level: 2/10

Knight and Day: Lots of gun-fights, Cameron Diaz in a Bikini, and a Tom Cruise we're all pretending isn't crazy. Is it the Year 2000 again? Expectancy Level: 6/10

Step Up 3D: For fuck's sake. I loved when musicals weren't hip. It was a simpler time. Expectancy Level: 3/10

Next Week's Movies

The A-Team: Underwhelming box-office and poor reviews in the US have killed our collective buzz, but still its got Sharlto Copley in it. So I'll just stay here! In this shack! Expectancy Level: 5/10

Gainsbourg: Erm, yeah. love my docu-drama's about famous french 1960's singers. Holler at the man. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Next Week's Movies

Splice: I'm probably more excited for this then would be wise, and my official prediction is that I'll like it despite it not being very good, but I have a soft spot for smart sci-fi, and given that director Vincenzo Natali also gave us Cube, who knows? Expectancy Level: 6/10

The Karate Kid: The people want what they want, and clearly that was a remake of a kind of shitty 80s cult classic, but whatever, seeing Jackie Chan in a film that's not straight to video makes my day. Wax on wax off. Expectancy Level: 5/10

The Rebound: Oscar winner Catherine Zeta-Jones stars in a film to give Leap Year a run for its money as the most obnoxiously awful movie of the year. I don't fancy it's chances. Expectancy Level: 3/10

Next Week's Movies

Inception: It seems everything is staying well clear of Nolan's latest and quite possibly greatest opus, as fuck all comes out to compete (until Toy Story 3 on Monday). I'm trying to stay reserved but the buzz is infectious and I find it hard to believe I'm not about to see one of the best movies of the year. Expectancy Level: 8/10

Toy Story 3: I don't know who to believe in regards to how good this film is going to be, there are some tepid reviews amidst the ecstactic so like with Inception, I'm choosing not to pre-emptively blow my critical load. Expectancy level: 8/10

Next Week's Movies

Predators: People who believe that the loss of the 80's form action movie was a deep violation of the cosmos are going pretty nutso for this, and while it has a cast that intruiges me, I see thoroughly no evidence to suggest anything more the entertaining diversion. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Twilight Saga: Eclipse: At this point, you know the drill. See it, make a few jokes about twihards, Twimoms and Kristen Stewart's acting and then go home. Rinse and repeat come the next one. Expectancy Level: 4/10

Next Week's Movies

Heartbreaker: My attitude to French cinema is quite similar to the French Football team's attitude to playing in the world cup. We'd both rather be somewhere else. But my favorite film of 2010 is french, so maybe this is the year I'm won over. Hmm. Expectancy Level: 6/10

Killers: Ashton Kutcher can fuck his own face. Expectancy Level: 2/10

The Collector: From the writer and Director of Saw IV, ladies and gentleman. Please strap your torture victims in the correct upright and locked position. Expectancy Level: 4/10

Wild Target: Britcom about a hitman. Trepidation. Still Emily Blunt, Bill Nighy and Rupert Everett is an intriguing cast if nothing else, so I'll enter not expecting entire dogshit. Expectancy Level: 5/10

Shrek Forever After: For Fuck's sake. I'd rather see Killers then this. At least that will be terrible its own unique way, and Shrek will always be the Family Guy to The Simpsons of the Toy Story franchise. Expectancy Level: 4/10