OMFA Awards: The Ten Best Movie Consolation Prizes In 2009

That picture really has nothing to do with anything here, but hey. When you're watching a bad movie, and as far as new releases go that seems to be about 60% of the time, you look for the little olive branches to justify what you know in your heart is two hours you're never getting back. The choicest of these critical apologetics seems to be the special effects were good, or the action scenes were good. For me this doesn't quite work. These days special effects are such a mainstay that I really don't care if they are good anymore. I just expect it. My attitude to action could be considered similar, or at least studio movie action, which is so stilted and lifeless.

So in bad movies I'm pretty much looking for actors, or the odd left field moment of actual talent, to save the day. Sometimes they don't, in which case fuck that shit. But sometimes they provide much needed rest bite from the disillusioning abyss of awfulness which certain movies can become. Here are the ten most prescient examples of it this year.


10) Deadpool: Before The zombie, X-Men Origins


This I think, was the kind of movie that allows the readers of the sight and sound to justify their elitist movie view. It was overblown, moronic, badly acted, bloated and every slight the devil can provide. Literally the only bearable thing in the film was Ryan Reynolds cameo as Deadpool. Sure it was basically just a badass version of the same smart-alec douche he always plays, but he wisecracked and kicked ass like a hero is supposed to and for those two minutes the movie was marginally enjoyable. Then he disappeared and came back as a wordless, ultimate warrior zombie. Fuck you David Benioff.

9) Buck, AKA Simon Pegg, Ice Age 3


The first half hour of Ice Age 3 felt tired, basically retreading old steps and journeys. The problem being that every returning character is a little less funny and a little less interesting. But then Buck turns up, and he is basically Jack Sparrow if you replace the Black Pearl with a giant dinosaur and Johnny Depp with Simon Pegg. Now Pegg's movie choices and performances have been less then stellar of late, but he nailed this one. He saved the movie from its overly sentimental self to a certain extent, inserting some much needed vitality and insanity.

8) Sammy Davis Jr, Gamer

Gamer was a a high-concept action movie that should have been much more interesting then it was. Which was bizarrely fucking boring. Michael C Hall was certainly the best thing about the movie, but the only moment of real creative flair, or at least awesome acknowledgment of the camp, was when Hall, accompanied by a few mind-controlled death-row inmates, Does a dance number to Sammy Davis Jr's ' I've Got You Under My Skin'. Its random and ridiculous, but somehow when it was over you find yourself upset that the whole movie couldn't be this way.

7) Pain, Twilight: New Moon

Make no mistake, no-one hates the worldwide succumbing to sickly irony in the adoration of this franchise more then me, and boy was New Moon shit. But as the only movie in history, in the past or future tense I'm sure, that gets stolen by Dakota Fanning, it's something of an artifact. Fanning, in her one and solitary scene, causes RPattz to fall to the ground in torturous pain by just uttering the word pain. Fanning's awesomely deadpan delivery is legendary and in a movie as otherwise as terrible as Twilight New Moon, it felt like Milton by comparison.

6) Scream Queen Actressing, Triangle

Triangle is one of those horror movies that hides under shallow layer of false complexity to compensate for how shit it is. And while the infinite loop doctrine of this movie has been handled better elsewhere, lead actress Melissa George managed to make it OK. Now I can't say I was a particularly huge George fan in advance of this movie, why would I be, but for my money she delivered a strong, considered performance in a ridiculous, overwrought movie. And that seems a lot harder then being good in a film that's already good don't it.

5) Olyphant And Zahn, A Perfect Getaway


Timothy Olyphant has never really made the successful transition from TV to Movies. He's got Deadwood credibility to last a lifetime, but his movie CV leaves a lot to be desired. Steve Zahn is a good actor who makes a lot of bad films, with a good performance every three years or so to keep you hopeful. A Perfect Getaway, which is exactly the kind of middle of the road movie that haunts both of their careers. But amidst terrible David Twohy dialogue and generally unimpressive goings on they manage to occasionally rise above the material, forming a rapport with each other that's fun to watch. And this tale of movie badness even has a happy ending. Olyphant now has his own FX show 'Justified', which looks fucking awesome by the way, and Zahn has booked the lead in 'Treme' the new' HBO show by The Wire creator David Simon. So there.

4) Talent Against Indie Cliche, Sunshine Cleaning


Now I'll admit I gave this movie a pass in my review, but I think I was having a bad hair/beard day or something because, like the similarly insipid Gigantic, Sunshine Cleaning was cliched, indie movie hell. Every beat feeling worn out long ago. Never the less, I think both Amy Adams and Emily Blunt, Blunt in particular I think managed to some good work in face of a movie that seemed to be put together by indie checklist.

3) Seth Cohen Will Kill Your Family, Jennifer's Body

I didn't hate Jennifer's Body quite as much as the rest of the world. There was a lot wrong with it, mostly in the Megan Fox area of the game, but there is one thing in the film that I found to be flat out awesome. And not even in the best of a bad bunch kind of way. Adam Brody's Nikolai Wolf essentially plays Brandon Flowers if he was a Psychopathic killer. Its due to Brody that the film's most hilarious scene features the brutal, uncompromising murder of the film's title character. This performance has me hoping Brody find some kind of career salvation and soon.

2) Dillahunt, Last House On The Left

Of all the horror remakes of recent years, I think Last House On The Left was my favorite. Its hardly a competitive category, granted. But thanks to some interesting casting and the movie sticking to its violent guns, I kind of liked it. Having said that, I am not delusional and recognize that something is rotten in Denver. But Garrett Dillahunt, the character actor who has popped up in small roles in No Country For Old Men, The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford (Breath) and The Road, takes full advantage of a rare leading role. Rather then going the full on wide eyed screaming killer, Dillahunt creates a character and makes his performance all the more frightening for it. This guy is well under-rated.

1) JGL, GI Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Joseph Gordon Levitt, whose kind of had a breakout year in 2009, what with the huge success of 500 days of summer and Golden Globe nomination etc, was also quietly in one of the worst movies of the year. In a fairly prominent role. And it didn't hurt him one bit. Why? I'm gonna go for that with a voice Synthesizer and excessive make-up, no-one knew who the fuck he was. Or maybe Levitt retained his indie credibility because he approached the thing almost like a piece of performance art, to quote James Franco ( currently on the US soap General Hospital for the same reason) with several bizarre mannerisms and ticks, this truly weird performance eventually became something kind of awesome. So fair play JGL, enjoy being in Christopher Nolan's Inception.

OMFA Awards: Best Cinematography

I would be an understatement to say I have questionable authority to discuss cinematography. I'm a story guy. I go the the movies primarily for the writing and the acting and while I can appreciate when something looks good, its the failing I'm most likely to forgive if things don't go quite right. So believe me, if you disagree with this list you're probably right. I am basing my decisions here on the memory of " Wow, that looks awesome!"


10) Gary Shaw, Moon

I did love this movie, But its calm, almost quiet visual style certainly added to it. I think its pretty difficult not to make space look awesome, but I think this movie was shot a little more interestingly then the usual space-set crowd.

9) Trent Opaloch, District 9

I think it went for this film because of the way it shot its action sequences. It would have been easy for this movie to shroud them in shaky-cam impenetrability, given its occasional faux-documentary format but it didn't and I thank it for that. Plus the whole thing looked pretty awesome anyway.

8) Mauro Fiore, Avatar

Yes, this movie is immature, silly and very badly written but credit where credit is due. It looks amazing. That's what this is all about right. Its gazillion Oscars will be pretty much down to this guy.

7) Roger Deakins, A Serious Man

Deakins, whose made more Coen Brothers movies the John Goodman has kind of become the world's premier cinematographer and rightly so. His visuals are part of what makes the Coen brothers off-kilter worlds work. A Serious Man is no exception, and this film looks unmistakably beautiful.

6) Rodrigo Prieto, Broken Embraces

Despite this being a slightly below par Almodovar movie, like nearly all of his work. Its looks fantastic. I doubt anyone had furthered the cause of great production design and cinematography in recent years more then this guy and Broken Embraces has enough visual pazazz to allow a fair amount of people to ignore the weaker writing.

5) Barry Ackroyd, The Hurt Locker

Because he gave us the above scene, the conclusion to which is one of the most unforgettable images of cinema. Full stop. But the rest of the movie feels brutally real, largely thanks to the verite style in which it is shit. We are there in the moment, and while that is a description to fit many movies, it rarely has felt more truthful.

4) Roger Deakins, Revolutionary Road

Deakins again. It's kind of ridiculous this guy hasn't won an oscar yet isn't it. I think he has eight nominations and zilch going, which is pretty impressive in itself. Anyway, he does excellent work in this film, maybe more so then A Serious Man because the style so perfectly fits the mood and the point of the film.

3) Lance Acord, Where The Wild Things Are

Acord's work in this film is pretty textual, so I'm gona love it. The setting made to look so wondrous and lively at first, seems to be short with a state of increasing coldness and disparity as the movie progresses. Love it.

2) Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

To be honest I didn't much care for this film either, but I believe this category should be for the best, and not just the best of the films I like. Because Benjamin Button did look astounding. At times truly beautiful and its a shame that the rest of the film couldn't keep up with the work being done by this particular department, but it sure didn't.

1) Robbie Ryan, Fish Tank

Which brings me to one, and I'm going to be all radical with my choice. Rather then capture imaginary worlds or nature at its most beautiful, this film captures a particularly dank part of London. But part of what makes Andrea Arnold such a great director is her and her DOP's ability to find such beauty in what is superficially so ugly. So much is done with so little. Its near genius it is.

OMFA Awards: The Ten Worst Performances Of 2009

In what has been a slightly unspectacular year for the movies, it seems only fitting that I begin my mammoth awards countdown with something so negative and derogatory. I am a blogger after all. So, the Ten Worst Performances of 2009 goes something like this.


10) John Cusack, 2012

Fuck you John Cusack. For whatever amount of millions you got paid to feature in what might be the ultimate apocalypse fetish movie, you could have a least phoned a performance in. But no, he is fine with appearing visibly bored with his own movie and Cusack makes no apologies for clearly thinking about his golf stroke whilst escaping super volcanoes. If there was ever a performance so cynically half-arsed it is an embarrassment to the profession, it is this.

9) Paul Rust, I Love You Beth Cooper

A movie that tried to capitalize on the geek-chic that's been floating around for the last couple of years, but through a sheer misunderstanding of why that culture his risen, is just pure shit. Geek culture rose because they were tired of being laughed at and humiliated, which this movie takes to mean they enjoy being laughed at and humiliated. Rust's performance is perhaps the epitome of this. He is unlikable and repulsive both in appearance and personality and is the kind of person who should deservedly die alone. Rust is a large contributor to the character taking this turn, as the guy over sells the dweeb of it horribly, leaving the audiences of the world no choice but to not see this movie, and the ones who did lament them their wisdom.


8) John Turturro, Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

Turturro. How could you do this to me. You were Jesus fucking Quintana for fuck's sake. It's hard to be appear obnoxious in a Transformers movie, since nearly everything is so inadequate. But Turturro manages it, joining the movie half way through and proceeds to be over the top in a way that nobody enjoys but him. It doesn't help that he has Michael Bay worthy dialogue to spout, but nonetheless this is shockingly bad form Turturro. You best make another Coen brothers film soon, to redeem yourself and those that watch you.

7) Vince Vaughn, Couples Retreat

Vince Vaughn has gone from an actor I liked, to an actor that disappointed me to an actor that now angers me with his presence. The sarcastic asshole bit that once seemed so vital and hilarious now seems so douchey and resigned. This guy doesn't give performances anymore, he reads half-baked one-liners off cue-cards. And in couples retreat, a movie that didn't really need his help to be depressing, he gives a performances so utterly run of the mill and invisible, I'd mark him down as a no talent has been if I hadn't seen what he can actually do. But Swingers seems like it came from another dimension now.


6) Rachel Nichols, GI Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

The fact that ten minutes after I left GI Joe, I couldn't remember what Rachel Nichols face looked like tells you all you need to know about Rachel Nichols in GI Joe. Just look a the picture for fuck's sake. Military fetishware. Its the kind of submissive, charisma-less, willfully objectified performance that gets feminists all riled up. I don't think the makers of GI Joe planned for this, but by casting such a talentless 'actress' like Nichols instead of someone who looked as good but could at least act a little bit, you know to keep us critics happy, they did themselves no misogynistic favors. Nichols is the worst kind of bland and forgettable.

5) Everyone, The Spirit

Just because this movie came out on January 3rd doesn't mean its awfulness should be forgotten. Frank Miller may be a great graphic novelist, but as far as the movies go he's got nothing. Clearly more concerned with the ridiculously overcooked look of this movie, he clearly just let the male actors do their thing and was too busy leering at his actresses with his camera to pay much attention to them. There's the criminally OTT Samuel L Jackson and horribly ineffectual Gabriel Macht, and then we've got Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson who get ogled to the point where even as a red-blooded teenage male I was offended by it. Some-sub TJ Hooker acting here.

4) Christopher Eccleston, GI Joe: Rise Of The Cobra


Well that was unfortunate. I want to like Christopher Eccleston, he has done some interesting work. But he can be fucking terrible. His villain in gone in sixty seconds springs to mind. Well that Manc tosser gets toppled by James McCullen, a villain for the embarrassing villain hall of fame. First off Eccleston struggles with the Scottish accent. So, dodgy accent, check. He spouts things like 'I've finally taken my place in the long line of McCullens!" when his face turns silver. I know that family lineage would be my first thought if my face turned silver. Then we've got Eccleston's manic/dweeb shtick, which can work in certain circumstances, but not when you are supposed to be a badass arms dealer. Just no.

3) Megan Fox, Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

I didn't hate Jennifer's Body quite as much as the rest of the world, although I will concede its hardly a great movie, but there's no defending Megan in this really. Even if I'd like to. If you muted all of her lines I really don't think it would matter that much, to the viewer or to Michael Bay. He just points the camera six degrees south of her face and thinks of Los Angeles. Fox though, was at least a semi tough chick in the first movie, here all the bite and feisty is gone, leaving just submissive disinterest. Fox isn't a great actress, but Fox not trying all that hard is something to see in its awesome terribleness.

2) Eli Roth, Inglourious Basterds

The only performance here from a good movie, but there really is no excuse for this. Tarantino should have learned from the times he cast himself in movies. He didn't, and casting his friend didn't go much better. Roth has no idea what he is doing and calling him amateur would be an insult to the word. He just doesn't get it. My favorite scene of Roth awfulness is when he's opposite Christoph Waltz' Landa, surely one of the best performances of the year, and Waltz only just contains his laughter at someone so shit being allowed in the movie. " Excusi." No. Shut the fuck up Eli.

1) Kristen Stewart, Twilight: New Moon

So to number one, and it breaks my heart to do this because I do like Kristen Stewart as an actress, and she was excellent in this year's Adventureland. But fair is fair, she was a horror show in New Moon, full of unintentionally hilarious moments of badness. From getting distracted from her lines by her co-stars six-pac abs to her ever-present awkwardness at having to express emotion. She is not meant for gushing, openly gooey romantic material like this. I don't think the worse of her and am sure she'll do great work in the future once Twilight is all done and dusted. But her sheer level of badness in these movies well, while it lasts, its one for the books.

OMFA Awards: AKA The awards of this website

Yes, the 1st annual OMFA awards will begin this Sunday. Ther OMFA's, which share their name with the association of Mexican football, are basically me going through everything I loved and hated about the movie year 2009 in list form. Hopefully it should last around a month and finish pretty much as the Oscars get their thing going. I should warn y'all, that these awards follow the British release schedule, so it will be a sort of amalgamation of last year and this year, with a few seemingly important omissions such as Up In The Air or The Road. Because they came out in January darn it. Anyways, I hope you readers enjoy it, because it will be painfully exhausting for me (and thus more worth accomplishing)