Tuesday, 30 June 2009
REVIEW: Blood: The Last Vampire
Oh Dear. I knew I should have seen Night at the museum 2, but I didn't, because I'm a sucker. I saw the word Vampire. I saw the 18 rating. And at this logical thought left the building, that same nagging feeling of impending shit filminess was ignored and I suffered the consequences. The cinematic equivalent of a primary school kid's crayon scratching. Only with less subtlety. First up, this film isn't about vampires, or blood for that matter for that has been replaced by some CGI Coca cola bubbles which apparently is the new DNA of choice for monsters of all shapes and sizes. What it is, is the kind of movie that gives genre a bad name. The kind of movie snobs point to when arguing all movies should be adaptations of 17th century novels about grime. The kind of movie that will send you screaming back to your Buffy DVD sets.
The story follows Saya (Gianna Jun) who is a half-breed who kills vampires, not at all like Blade you understand. Coz Saya's like totally a girl. Anyway our Saya goes around chopping stuff and struggling with the English dialect, and we switch focus to Alice (Alison Miller), a plucky teen girl who rebels against her general father and whines and screams like a girl. Which she is I suppose. Some non-descript characters die in an unnecessary sub-plot revolving around a bent handler, who kills general Dad, and Saya's good handler before getting whacked. Ok. Oh and there's also this chick called Onigen who's ancient evil and all powerful and can't be stopped by anything. Then she gets stabbed and that's that. Oh and she is also Saya's mum. But by that point you won't care, and neither did I. Bad acting from everyone concerned really, and director Chris Nahon apes 300 to within an inch of his life. He does this well in places but not so well in others.
Its unfocused, and really is just a weak riff on the age old chosen one deal without anything really to add to it. Oh and before I go and do some substance D, I feel I have to mention Alice's ridiculous invincibility. This Nancy drew wannabe got beat down by monsters of all shapes and bad CGI, and yet emerged unscathed. Onigen exploded her in a fireball. Her lackey threw her off a cliff. Her evil gym teacher dragged her over rough tops. Most ridiculous thing I've seen this year. This level of ridiculousness deserves some kind of award.