REVIEW: Clash Of The Titans

Who the fuck decided that Sam Worthington was a movie star. Was it James Cameron, because I'm pretty sure he cast him because he was a nobody. McG? Well I think he was too busy having the most ridiculous name of all time to think on much of anything else. Well whoever it was, fuck you. Fuck you for inflicting a potential 10 years of a guy, who is (somewhat paradoxically) offensively bland. I didn't realize that an actor being boring could get so ferociously in my grill, but there you go. Its not just that he can't act, which he really, really can't, its that he delivers every line in with his intensity face on, regardless of what he is saying or the situation he is in.

Look, this is a movie called Clash Of The Titans, about giant-ass monsters and a checklist of greek mythology's baddest bads, so I'm not expecting Olivier or anything, but a basic understanding of human emotion would be nice Sam. Douchebag. And where the fuck is his long hair? No-one had a buzzcut in ancient Greece. Not even the cool guys. But anyway, I digress. This movie to sum it up in the simplest sense, is an adventure movie without any sense of adventure. In which monsters are perfectly realized but devoid of life and the movie ends up taking up the identity of its leading man, it may look fine but there's nothing worth caring about.

I guess someone could submit the notion that watching Ralph Fiennes do his Voldemort thing has some value, but Fiennes has been better villains then this, and I can feel how little he gives a shit radiate off every line. Liam Neeson tries to play it straight, but by doing so ends up on the camper side of things. I kind of dug Mads Mikkelson as Worthington's pseudo-mentor, and he has the kind of quiet intensity Worthington wishes he did. But this is a cynical creation, made to make money and destined to disappear from whence it came once its made its money.

If Sam Worthington were a movie it would be Clash Of the Titans. Proficient but dull and uninspiring. I'd never thought I'd say this, but Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief is the superior Greek Mythology movie of the year.

Rating: 4/10