Saturday, 6 March 2010

REVIEW: Case 39

I've had some bad cinema experiences in the past. There was the time a projector exploded during a screening of Coraline and we all had to be evacuated like we were in Chernobyl (the remainder of which is melting its way to the earth's core by the way) there was a time when I had unwisely read an article mocking the latest season 24 and had the phrase 'the terrorists hijacked the radio-active plane piloted by Kim Bauer, targeted at President Palmer's Face.' in my head all the way through A Beautiful Mind and couldn't stop giggling. But I think this Saturday the 6th of March, 4:05 PM, at the Harrow Vue, seeing Case 39 was the worst cinema experience I've ever had. And I'm underplaying it.

I counted two separate groups of teenagers, landing at about 6 per group. Each as power-drill to the head irritating as each other. There was cellphones and Ipod's, a ten minute debate about whether 'Hailey' was a ho or not ( from what I could hear I've decided that she was, because you just don't do that when you have a boyfriend) and a permanent static of casual conversation that I'd say was in a regular speaking voice rather than a whisper, as is the custom for your average disrespectful twat. Three separate people complained, and three times the staff came in to give them the impotent evil eye. They give no semblance of a shit. They had the numbers damn it and they knew it. Then the shit went down. The two groups came together, and after minutes of deliberation, split up and went to sit behind the people who had complained, and then tried to irritate them into leaving. One stormed off, two stuck it out. I felt guilty as shit playing the blind-eyed passer by, but fuck I guarantee I was the only one in the room who actually had to review the fucking thing upon leaving, so you know. My guilt is relative. Some horrifying shit, right? The cinema does operate on a brutal code of death before discourtesy, and its counting on the fact, that at their core, people are more then moronic, apathetic twats. Called it wrong guys.

So Case 39, yeah it was a piece a shit. I'm so glad this happened in a waste of space like this movie and not actually good one, because that would be national disaster bad in terms of the world in my view. Which is skewered, but its movie skewered and even crap like this matters to me. Given the fact that I ate my space detailing the horror, I'll review Case 39 in 20 words below.

Evil Ferland will kill your family, wants a mommy. You don't care. Zellweger embarrassing, decline joyous news. Generic Jap-horror rip-off.

I played loose with the hyphens but technically that's 20 words. You can see why this movie was delayed for two years. The director Christian Alvart even managed to make the Quaid-centric Pandorum whilst this movie sat on the shelf. Telling.

Rating: 3/10

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